Rumor Denied: Mel Gibson has categorically denied the rumors that the Director's Cut DVD of his film "The Passion of the Christ" will feature an alternative ending. Gibson confirms, however, that in addition to deleted scenes, the DVD will include two commentaries, one by the director, and the other featuring George Burns as the voice of God.....Mad Cows? Is the Bush FDA & Ag Dept. in the back pocket of the meat industry? One might draw that conclusion from recently leaked documents showing options considered in response to the discovery of the nation's first case of mad cow disease (BSE) in Mabton, WA. Among the options considered: anger management classes for mad cows... Celebrity Courtroom Complaint: Now that the FCC has announced it will investigate Janet Jackson's bare breast during the Super Bowl half-time, lawyers for actor Robert Blake have approached the FCC with an equal time complaint about coverage of the actor's murder trial. Blake is said to be concerned that coverage of Martha Stewart's stock sale transaction trial is being given undue attention in the media, and Blake wants his share of the coverage. The actor does not, however, begrudge coverage of the Michael Jackson trial, "Hell, even I watch that freak -- but Martha Stewart? Did she sell stock or not based on a tip in a 30 second conversation on the phone? Gimme a friggin' break, we're talking white collar crime here, slap on the wrist stuff. Me 'n Jacko: you're dealing with serious, elemental stuff. But, who's on TV night after night -- CBS, ya gotta keep your eye on the sparrow -- we're talking 20 years to life here!.... Bush campaign will outsource Veep work in the second term: Although there haven't been health scares for the Vice President recently, the continuing concern over potential health problems of Dick Chaney is resulting in a plan to have many of his official duties performed by a seasoned Indian politician from the outsourcing center of Bangalore. According to an Administration official, "Look we can use Dick when we really need him, but most of the time we're going to use Sanjay for routine correspondence and as a stand-in for second-tier nation state funerals.
NNS NewsTicker: .... Food Fads: With the popularity of the Atkins diet and the ban on Canadian imports, beef prices are at an all-time high.... The hip new protein fix? Gourmet Roadkill! Chick Farnham, of Chick's Gourmet Roadkill in Soho reports that business is literally 5 times what he'd projected, "We do high-end, custom gourmet roadkill and there's a HUGE demand for it -- who knew?" Chick's storefont has been open for only four months and constantly busy. "We had a bit of a rough start, figuring out how you market a product like this. Our first slogan -- You name it, we maim it!" alienated as many people as it brought it, but we played with it a bit and our new logo with a careening car and the slogan, "Tell us what you want and we'll run it down!" hits just the right note..... Jacko Unfit? Lawyers for Michael Jackson will "vigorously contest" efforts to take away his children following accusations of pedophilia. The legal team has "every angle of this covered" although they are uncertain how to respond to the question, "If you're such a good parent, would you let your kids spend the night at Michael Jackson's house?".... A Perfect Disguise? The secret to President's Bush's hush-hush visit to Iraq on Thanksgiving Day? According to unidentified White House insiders, Bush was dressed as Osama bin Laden, "...(O)ne of the most famous men in the world and no one's been able to find him in years..."
NNS NewsTicker: CBS, fresh off its 1 - 2 punch of "The Reagans" and the Michael Jackson special, is pinning all its November ratings sweep hopes on a behind-the-scenes look at the Rosie O'Donnell / Boy George musical "Taboo" ... Although Bush's visit to Britain was dogged by protesters, as expected, the White House was not displeased that the attention paid to the Michael Jackson scandal virtually eliminated media coverage in the USA. "How can we not be happy?" said one aide on conditions of anonymity, "You actually think we wanted people hearing Bush say, "I was a bit disappointed, I knew that I probably wouldn't get to meet that 0-0-7 guy 'cause he's probably on assignment, but they didn't even have Austin Powers around -- man, I love that guy."......Controversy has dogged the first Nobel Prize for Hip Hop, awarded to white rapper Eminem. The Nobel Prize Committee didn't help itself when in the citation it referred to, "...renewing the vital hip hop tradition of legends such as Iced Tea, Snoopy the Dog, and NWA (Norwegians With Attitude)...
Total Recoil; Trouble in the California gubernatorial recall chaos as new candidate Arnold S. is reportedly fuming that his name will NOT appear above the ballot title... Arnold is also hopping mad that in likely event of an alphabetical ballot his "billing" will be about a hundred places below both Gary Coleman and Larry Flynt...Disney Pictures following up the spooky theme-park-ride-inspired "Pirates of the Carribean" this holiday season with the Eddie Murphy feature "The Haunted Mansion" Disney is now in pre-production on perhaps the most horrifying member of this genre, a live action version of "It's a Small World", with Sting already tapped to reprise the famous ride's signature song.... Innovative Marketing: Sony/Revolution Pictures announces 800 number that consumers can call to pay $19.95 to avoid being sent a DVD of the Jen & Ben disaster movie "Gigli"... "Gigli" DVD to special features to include unique "stunned silence" Guest Commentary.....Powell to leave Bush Administration, to star in teen movie comedy about Iraq, 'Dude, Where's My WMD?".... Arby's marketer reveals that "Oven Mitt" ads are intentionally obnoxious, "We want 'em so bad that people will hope there's Mad Cow in that pressed beef by-product sandwich."....
NNS Newswire....Administration Rivalry: the feuding reported between supporter of Sec. of State Powell and Sec. of Defense Rumsfeld continues despite the success of the war; Where last month's sport was finger-pointing over whether the war plans were adequate, this month Rumfeld has reportedly engineered the assignment of a new Secret Service code name for Powell, "speedbump"......SARS: scientists working on fighting the deadly new disease which originated in the Far East but has spread to other regions, are reportedly really pissed that Bush's War is grabbing all the media attention. "Hey, people," said a CDC spokesperson, "We're talking potential global epidemic here.... hello, can anybody hear me? Indeed, a panel of Nobel laureates at a recent conference allowed that under the same circumstances, they might be tempted to soft-pedal their research until after the war is over. "It's politically correct to say this, but perhaps the cure will wait for a while, until the world is ready to adequately appreciate our efforts, instead of watching people intentionally killed on CNN,"
NNS NewBizTicker... Responding to both its trouncing in the War Ratings by Fox News and the recent announcement that the TNN cable channel will change its name to "Spike" in June to reflect it's young male target audience, CNN has announced that in July it will change its name to Ted, and will feature a cartoon version of founder Ted Turner as a mascot. Turner, who recently left the Board of parent company AOL-Time-Warner, could not be reached, but the new Ted animated mascot is apparently pleased with the announcement....Meanwhile at Fox News, the channel has announced a slight tune up to its "Fair and Balanced" motto to respond to criticism that its war coverage was blatently biased. The new Fox motto will be "Fair and Balanced -- you talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?"... Defending the Augusta National Golf Club's barring of women, an embattled Chairman Hootie Johnson has declared that the policy will not be changed, despite pressure from women's groups: "As sure as my name is Hootie Johnson, this decision will stand. People who know me realize this Johnson is firm and standing proud." .. ...CBS is defending its multi-million dollar pairing of Bill Clinton and Bob Dole to host a latter version of the Point-Counterpoint feature on "60 Minutes. Surprisingly, the strongest criticism has not centered on the softball on air "conflicts" between the two or the obscene price tag for 90 seconds of on-screen work. Rather, the strongest criticism has been from the public health community, worried about the "potentially Apocalyptic pairing of Clinton's libido with Dole's unlimited supply of promotional Viagra."
NNS Newswire: Michael Jackson is angry, saying that the entire recent interview with him on ABC TV was "100% wrong... totally taken out of context"; Apparently he thinks the context it should be taken in is one of innocence... don't think Michael Jackson with young boys in his bed, this something sweet and innocent, like a priest with a young boy in his bed....
NNS NewBizTicker...Although it recently announced its first-ever quarterly loss, McDonald's Corp. was clearly buoyed when a court threw out a lawsuit alleging that fast food is responsible for kids' obesity, to celebrate the victory, McDonald's announced a "free triple cheese burger kids' meal upgrade" ad campaign under the slogan, "You can't get enough of a good thing!"... Media Giant Time-Warner-AOL writes off $42 billion dollar, explains the adjustment was necessary since the assumption that every AOL CD mailed actually does not result in someone new enrolling in the AOL service for two years... "Hey, for several years, the more CD's we sent out, the more people joined AOL.... unfortunately, we were working on outdated assumptions and we now understand that having mailed out 8 billion CD's, new people are not born and immediately subscribing to AOL as a direct result of the disk mailings.... It was an honest mistake in the Internet Boom, but boy do we have egg on our faces over this."; The statement was widely viewed in the industry as an attempt to piss off departing VP Ted Turner, "because nobody likes him, anyway.";
NNS Newswire: Bush Admin: Dangerous Foreign Policy Crisis Averted: As the UN weapons inspectors continue to come up empty-handed in Iraq, the Bush Administration worried in recent days that someone migh notice the economy slipping further into the toilet. Then the Korea Nuke Story heats up and quicker than GWB can say, "What? Me Worry?" the Axis of Evil delivers! ... Gore on No More Prexy Run: "Any moron could run after 8 years of Clinton -- world at peace, economy hummin' along. After Bush: you've got to be kidding!"...
NNS NewBizTicker...Xmas sales poor, perhaps worst in 30 years, Bush Admin. blames Santa Claus: "Look under most any Christmas tree and you'll see, either at the local level or aggregated nationally, that Santa has the largest proportion of gifts given... we hate to say it, but I think the way Santa has behaved is disgraceful. President Bush has said that unless we live our lives as we usual, then the terrorists win. I hate to say it, but 'Good job, Mullah Santa."...
NNS Newswire: North Korea denies Secret Nuclear Program, "Like, if you KNOW about it, how can we have a SECRET nuclear program?".......Former President Jimmy Carter wins $1 million Nobel Peace Prize, "Whoo hoo!; I didn't even have to buy a ticket! A million bucks, man -- you can get Clinton to head to those third world hell holes now, I've got million bucks, the Nobel Prize, and I already know I'm goin' to heaven... bring on the ponies, I've got a million burnin' a hole in my pocket!"....Bush Administration reports that Saddam near to having nukes, also may be stealing cable ....
NNS NewBizTicker...K-Mart acknowledged today that it, too, had a secret nuclear weapons program. A spokesperson for the bankrupt retailer commented, "We'd heard it said that chemical and biolodical weapons were the 'poor man's nuke' -- and let's be honest, anthrax ain't no nuke. So we thought there might be a market for a budget A-bomb. "....Household Finance is to pay a $480 million dollar judgment for "predatory lending". The company plans to appeal, but the government points out that the fine is actually only $200 million, financed by a 5 year loan at 22.9% interest....The Traveler's Insurance Company would just like to clarify that it has nothing to do with the lady beating her kid in the back of that van, "Hey, we're a while different kind of Traveler... you've got the wrong guys, bud."....Kleenex set to pay a record $32M for right to use the Rolling Stones' song "Miss You" in new ad campaign, media analysts doubt that a campaign based entirely on a juvenile pun will yield results, 15 year old Kleenex CEO Davey Lord Jr. contends: "It can't miss... it's a hoot! Miss you -- gesundheit! Get it?".....Taco Bell announces new PR campaign built around the irreverent theme: "Cheap crap food 24x7 for people too drunk or hungover to notice"... Dateline NBC host Jane Pauley says that the phenomenon of tickers gets on her nerves, according to a story on abcnews.com... we thought you'd want to read it here...
Scientists report that the ozone hole over the South Pole has split into two; NOA Chief Robert Altson blames the split on "liberal anti-family values" and has proposed tax credits for ozone holes choosing to re-unify....
NNS Newswire: ....Jeb Bush says Florida voting fiasco "a misunderstanding." According to Governor Jeb: "My guys were telling me about the voting problems, telling me that it's got to be fixed. And I was like, 'Fix the election? Fix the election? I'm your man, 'cause boy do I know how to fix an election." ....Scientists report that they have successfully used genetic enigneering techniques to create a hybrid of banana and air freshner, said to be the first fruit which disguises its own odor as it rots...
NNS Newswire... Russians End Bid by 'NSync singer Lance Bass to be first Boy Band member in space, citing non-payment of $20 million fee, apparently the fund raising effort tanked when potential donors realized the pitch was for a round-trip ticket.......Bush August Vacation: Pronounced Total Success, will plan more vacations soon, "It's important to keep this Administration doing what it does best," according to VP Cheney....Israel and Palestinians reportedly near peace deal based on common grounds -- both sides reported to kill everyone on the other side simultaneously....
NNS NewBizTicker...Martha Stewart in pact with Satan to avoid Insider Tradiing prosecution.... Satan pissed because it turned out that Stewart duped him with the promise of Oprah's soul, "...and that was traded away long ago.... What Recession? Business booming at paper products company which manufacturers Pink Slips....
....NNS Newswire.... FDA pondering new warning labels for placebos..... Starved for signs of victory in the war on terrorism, the INS annouced that, "We have successfully deported Springer, who had entered the US illegally." When reporters pointed out that Springer was, in fact an orca and not a dangerous terrorist, the INS spokesman replied, "Yeah, an 'orca' -- I guess that's the 'PC' name for a Killer Whale these days.....
NNS BizTicker......Bush Administration predicts Tech Comeback in Third Quarter as businesses buy more computers to count staggering losses.... Other bright spots in the tumbling markets: pharmaceutical manufacturers of Prozac and Xanax driving up profits by "supersizing" the products for stockbrokers and investors....
NNS NewsTicker ....WA Post: On heels of plan to merge agencies into a Department of Homeland Security, Bush proposes merging the CIA, NSA, and Dept. of Defense into Dept. of Whoop Ass; Colin Powell not amused.....Supreme Court bars execution of retarded as "cruel and unusual": death penalty advocates warn citizens of roaming bands of retarded killers undeterred by fear of death penalty, ACLU replies, "For people who say stuff like that, upholding the rights of the developmentally disabled is likely to be simple enlightened self-interest"....
NNS Biz-Ticker: Tom Shales: is pressure getting to Martha Stewart, "Why else the seemingly spontaneous rant about the 'right' way to bake a file into a cake?" .... Bush tells Execs that distrust of honesty in business accounting is undermining confidence in the economy, Execs ask, "You mean, like, if there was a ton of problems with an election in Florida, that it might undermine the credibility of the candidate declared winner?"....Dow falls to new lows, speculators now buying up stock for recycling value of paper certificates are printed on... Arizona wildfires projected to be extinguished by new WalMart fire scheduled to open in New Mexico next week....
...NNS Newswire: WA Post: Bush says key to ending nuke war tension was advice to Pakistan, "Think twice before getting into a nuclear standoff with a country that believes in reincarnation."... CNN: Attny Gen Ashcroft announces arrest and detention of American citizen to abort Al Queda plot, "These were seriously bad guys out to create a dirty bomb, and I don't mean that in the 'Showgirls' sense of 'dirty bomb'."....
NNS Biz-Ticker: DOW, way, way down, god it's too depressing to think about, can't you ask me about something else? ; NASDAQ 1,244, 1.43e+2 .... Wal-Mart signs on as corporate sponsor as Bush announces Ozzie Osbourne to host U.S. Middle East Peace conference in August, Ozzie: We're calling it the Enough With the F#$%@ing Killing Already Summit...S&P 500 to broader market: "Help me! I've fallen and I can't get up."... US / MS deal on Accounting Irregularities charges: MS says it "won't get caught at this again," and SEC agrees, "We won't catch MS doing this again"....