"Dead Dogs Chase No Tails"

Exclusive Investigative Report:

Near the Sphinx, a great picnic table once stood -- but no more. Although overlooked in conventional sources, at  hundreds of widely separate locations around the world, archaeologists find tombs, temples and other sites, all littered with lawn chairs and chaise lounges. 

Still, no one seems to be asking the most important questions of all:

[Photo of Spinx With Giant Picnic Table]

Why is lawn furniture found in nearly every archaeological dig -- and where could it have come from?

An exhaustive, nearly two week long SLUG TALES investigative report reveals that a conspiracy of silence seems to exist about these "ultra-modern" "relics". Even more shocking is the inexorable conclusion that ancient lawn furniture is,"unlike anything else seen in the archaeological literature"!

These assessments were provided by a respected researcher, Al Ewecaneet. Dr. Ewecaneet further ejaculated, "I can hardly believe....that this could have been found in an ancient culture.....it goes against all we know about early civilizations."

Evidence from sites on seven continents adds up to a single conclusion: this lawn furniture is far too advanced to be of Earthly Origin.

[Photo of Egyptian Woman on Lounge]

Are we really expected to believe that the Egyptian woman of the Second Century BC obtained her Versa Lounge at the Cairo K-Mart? Did the Romans in Britain obtain their lawn chairs at a Fourth Century Woolworth's? To say the least, these explanations appear improbable. Those few with open mind can only wonder as the evidence accumulates...

If many are asking questions, some are beginning to offer answers. A former Government Employee, one Philo Leaves, told SLUG TALES that he has long suspected that the ancient lawn furniture is proof that Earth was visited long ago by alien tourists. "I got the idea from this little old lady on my route who used to read the K Mart junk mail like it was the New (and improved?) Testament," said Mr. Leaves. "I used to tell her those lawn chairs were either put there by UFO's or the Russians -- and she'd just nod, weirdlike." Mr. Leaves observed further, "It was years later before I realized that there weren't no Russians in Egypt in the Second Century BC." He ends, cryptically: "It kind of makes you think, don't it?" 

In researching this article we examined many journal articles, historical photographs, old issues of "National Geographic" -- along with interviewing literally several people involved in archaeological research.

What we found was beyond our wildest dreams: photos of Mayan priests preparing human sacrifices in giant Weber Kettle barbecues, Greek philosophers portrayed with lawn darts in hand in suppressed sculptures, Hindu Gods in paintings retrieving Lost Souls from the chilly realms of Playmate Ice Chests!

[Photo of Dig With Lawn Chair]

And NONE of this is to be found in the textbooks and popular literature available to the general public. Why?

Numerous calls to the archeology and anthropology faculties of the University of Washington yielded only ridicule and unreturned calls. What do they have to hide? What, indeed, do they HAVE to hide? Are THEY agents of an Alien Elite come to picnic on my grave and yours? As a part of our research, we obtained a sample of metal obtained from an Aztec tomb in Mexico in 1956.

[Picture of Scientist With Equipment]

We gave this fragment to Dr. Al Ewecaneet, who subjected it to the most exacting and extensive tests available at his laboratory at Yakima Valley Community College. Dr. Ewecaneet concluded the fragment was "unlike anything" he'd seen in 40 years of research and identification of relics and artifacts.

"It appears to be a piece of a TV dinner tray," noted Dr. Ewecaneet, "although that seems almost impossible."

Impossible -- unless you accept that Earth was once routinely visited by a Planet-Hopping Middle Class from Beyond The Stars. Piece by Piece the case falls into place that We Are Not Alone.

Ask respected scientists if Shuttle Astronauts are the first creatures to suck freeze-dried fruit out of plastic tubes in the outer atmosphere. To a person, they'll say, "Yup, you bet." But their rationalizations pale in the face of the evidence of the Ancient Lawn Chairs of The Gods.

[Picture of Star Field]

"E.T." Director Steven Speilberg repeatedly refused our inquiries over a two-day period.
Almost makes one wonder where he "phones home"

SLUG TALES is published irregularly at Rancho McHrab, a .1 acre Satire Preserve in the wilds of Suburbia north of Bothell, WA. This is a reprint of an article originally published in SLUG TALES in 1983 and made available on WWW in 1994. Go figure.
1994: Rancho McHrab Satire Preserve
Non-commercial redistribution is permitted.

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