Slug Tales - February 1989

SUBLIME SLIME

"A SLUG TALES Insider Newsletter"

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Vol. 10, #1 Special 100th Anniversary of the February 1989

Flyer Sled Issue

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Economics:

B U S H R E V E A L S P L A N S F O R E C O N O M Y :

W I L L T H E F U D G E H I T T H E F A N ?

(Washington, NNS) Speaking to both Houses of Congress and a national

television audience, new President George Bush unveiled his proposed

budget and reiterated his strategy for dealing with the nation's

economic woes. With his patented karate-chops-on-valium gestures,

Bush said, "We're dealing with this problem -- we all know it's a big

problem -- it's a real bugger. I've got ideas, good ideas -- people

around me, the best people -- they're all thinking, looking at this in detail."

The President included a note of caution: "We've got more Will than

Wallet -- and yes it's a nice Wallet: a good, simple American wallet --

but we've got to understand that the wallet is empty." "Sure," he

continued, "we made promises to do things during the campaign -- and

we will be doing things, good things -- and we'll be making more promises

to do things in the near future, too. But what you have to understand as

I extend my hand to Congress and to you my fellow Americans across this

Great Country -- you have to understand it's one, yes, only one, empty

hand."

The President touched on other familar themes:

- "People ask me why America doesn't help the homeless. People

see the homeless on city streets and they're afraid. They don't

look right, and they don't smell right. We promise a bold new

program for the homeless: we're gonna help them with their

personal hygiene and provide them with cellular phones so

that -- even right there on the sidewalk -- an employer can

call them and offer them a job."

- "The federal government needs to help with child care, not

just another federal windfall for the bureaucrats. We need to

remember that many of America's young are cared for by relatives

and through church programs. For that reason, we're proposing a

reduction in Red Tape Restrictions that stop kids in day care

from participating in programs that can actually help support

the cost of their own care! No longer will the government stop

kids from going on field trips to airports to sell flowers and

the works of religious thinkers such as the Reverend Moon to

travelers too busy to stop on the way to the airport."

On a related topic, economists are skeptical of President Bush's

plan to deal with the nation's deficit. While this program has been

described widely in the media as "complicated", a closer examination

reveals that a simple and innovative idea is at its root. The Bush

Administration is decrying what it refers to as "the persistence of money."

(Continued on Page Two)

Sublime Slime - Page Two

THE BUSH BUDGET, CONTINUED

The Bush plan involves trying to short circuit the dangerous process

where the government simply prints more money in order to cover for deficit

spending. Economists have long identified this as the primary engine of

inflation in the economy. The administration proposes to abolish small

denominations of paper currency, substituting a new type of coin for the

familiar one, five, and ten dollar bills.

Taking the "sandwich" concept of the today's coins one step further,

the new coins will combine a metallic surface with a solid core of pure

milk chocolate. "Instead of printing millions of dollars with no value

beyond the printing on paper, we'll restore the concept of an intrinsic

value to America's currency." And, it is reasoned, since the coins will

be, according to a Treasury Department spokesperson, "really tasty", large

amounts of currency will be taken out of circulation annually by hungry

citizens, reducing inflationary pressures.

****** ***** ***** ***** ***** ******

Capital Chatter

Roger Locust Amherst III

....It doesn't look too good for the nomination of John Tower as

Defense Secretary. One barometer of just how bad things have gotten

is that journalists have abandoned their former description of the

diminutive Tower and now refer to him "Quart-size" rather than "Pint-

size".....While no official statements are available, there are

indications of just how bad things look for Boeing during pending

FAA investigations of a series of accidents and revelations of

botched wiring in the company's commercial jetliners. In FAA memos,

for example, Boeing's 747 jetliner is referred to by the code name,

"Pinata".....Trouble in New England: A disoriented Governor Michael

Dukakis recently tried to retract his announcement that he would not

be seek another term as Massachusetts' governor. It appears that as a

joke, staffers told Governor Dukakis that as "runner up" in the U. S.

Presidential election he automatically became Prime Minister of Canada.

In a scene described by Dukakis staffers as, "ugly, real ugly," Dukakis

was denied entry at the Canandian border. Staff conceded that they

planted this notion in the Governor's mind, "but, hey, the guy was really

bummed out -- how were we to know he'd take it seriously.".... Over at

the Department of Health and Human Services officials are looking about

desperately for Something they can do to mollify the Fundamentalist Right

in its anger over HHS nominee Louis Sullivan's wavering position on the

abortion issue. Word is that the FDA will respond to Right Wing

concerns that the government has made birth control too accessible to

teenagers by pulling some contraceptives from the market and approve a

new Child Resistant Cervical Cap....At the Democratic Convention, the

phrase of the moment was "Where was George?"; during the Bush transition

the phrase has been, "Where is Dan?", referring to the Vice President-Elect.

Following the Vice President's first trip abroad (where it is said he

made a favorable impression on Fidel Castro), the White House is continuing

its campaign of High Visibility with a surpise announcement. According to

Spokesperson Marlin Fitzwater, Quayle's

(Continued on Page Three)

Sublime Slime - Page Three

ROGER LOCUST AMHERST'S CAPITOL CHATTER, CONTINUED

staffers were flipping through the channels one afternoon, saw promos for

Pat Sajak's evening talk show, and were bowled over by the resemblance

between Sajak and Quayle. When Sajak's staff contacted the Vice President's

office to try and book Quayle on the talk show, staffers arranged instead

for the Vice President to assume the emcee duties on the daytime "Wheel",

which Sajak left when the talk show began....

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New Feature!

R I C K C A R A F E ' S "N E W " - T R I T I O N

(Editor's Note: SUBLIME SLIME is pleased to welcome Rick Carafe, best-

selling author and founder of the school of Client-Centered Nutrition.

Best known to the reading public for his book, "Peak Potential: Conquering

Caffeine Deficiency", Mr. Carafe is a mainstay on the talk show circuit and

known as "The Nutritionist to the Stars".)

Few of us think about it, but the Produce section of today's

supermarket is truly a Modern Miracle. You can find virtually

anything you desire, no matter what the time of year or whether you

want apples, avocados, or kiwi fruit. Of course, this is primarily a

tribute to modern refrigeration and our ultra-modern worldwide transportation

network.

But, increasingly, food scientists are uncovering a dark side to the

Abundance in the Aisles of the local Produce Section. That winter-time

peach from Chile may taste sweet, but did you know that most fruit orchards

in that country are planted on abandoned strip mines and smelting operations?

What about the recent cookbook from the Philippines that identified the two

most characteristic spices in Philippine cuisine as MSG and DDT? And, Juan

Valdez notwithstanding, how does it feel to know that those bananas shipped

to your supermarket from Panama are grown on plantations where your guarantee

of wholesomeness is the smiling face of Manuel Noriega?

It doesn't take Geraldo Rivera to know that toxic wastes and

pollution are a big problem in this country -- but how do you think

that Third World countries deal with today's sophisticated pollutants?

Did you know that in parts of Africa multi-national corporations have

convinced governments that the correct translation of "PCB" is "fill

dirt"?

Like everything else, good nutrition is a trade-off. The variety of

fresh fruits and vegetables is a dietary plus -- so how can we avoid these

pitfalls? Food scientists tell us it is unreasonable to expect that toxic

chemicals can be detected or removed from food products. Today's industrial

poisons are toxic in such small amounts that it just isn't practical.

So, like it or not, toxic pollutants are there in your shopping basket.

The best defense, I'm convinced, is to acknowledge this and to prepare food

in such a manner as to deactivate these chemicals. This will require a

change in how you prepare familiar fruits and vegetables. But in every

kitchen in America the tools are present which can reduce or eliminate

these poisons from your family's diet!

So listen carefully.

(Continued on Page Four)

Sublime Slime - Page Four

RICK CARAFE'S NEW-TRITION, CONTINUED

The keys to a toxic-free diet are two simple words -- it's almost

too simple to be true. Deep Frying. Yes, deep frying. Steaming, baking

, boiling, and other less radical food preparation techniques just aren't

Tough on Toxics. In order to really Cook every square centimeter of food

which might hold dioxin, you've got to plunge that banana, apple, or

peach into 400 degree oil and keep it there until it smokes.

A lot of people won't approve of this advice. They'll say, "But,

Rick, it's so much trouble." I say, "Yeah, but the benefits are yours."

They'll say, "Rick, it's so messy, I'll get oil all over everything."

With a little practice you'll be able to deep fry a week's worth of

fruits and vegetables in a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon, recycle

the oil to the crankcase of your Toyota, clean up with paper towels,

and still have time for a little romance with your partner before

Sunday dinner. Sure, it's work: but what's more important than Quality

of Life? Catch ya next month....

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New! From Feebler:

O ' B E S I E S :

The one potato chip to eat when you're going

to eat the whole damn bag! Available at your grocer in

these four great varieties:

- Sour Cream and Onion

- Bacon

- Lard

- Palm Oil

"Straight to your heart ... like a cannonball"

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FOOTNOTES FOR HISTORY

(Official transcript of conversation between President Ronald Reagan and

President-Elect George Bush moments before the Bush inauguration.)

REAGAN: Well, George, it looks like it's a Kinder and Gentler Nation

for a few years, eh? I couldn't be prouder of you....

BUSH: OK: it's over, Old Man -- you can head back to California.

By the way, Barbara sold that dog of yours for medical

experiments. Here's your cut, it comes to twelve bucks --

minus my take and Barb's dry cleaning bill.

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SUBLIME SLIME is the insider newsletter of Slug Tales. It is published

on an irregular basis at the Rancho McHrab Satire Preserve, just north

of Bothell, Washington.

You are free to copy this issue of SUBLIME SLIME and distribute it

to others, but if you alter it, you will awake to find Arsenio Hall

in your shower, laughing uncontrollably at his own jokes (and, yes,

he will have used all the hot water)....

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