S U B L I M E S L I M E
"Slug Tale's Inside Dope on Politics, Life, 'n Stuff"
Vol.7, #3 "When ideas fail, words come in very handy." May 1986
"Insider Newsletters: An Old Product With New Appeal!"
The NNS Newservice reports that the once nearly cottage industry of
Insider Newsletters is emerging as one of the most dynamic sectors of
the publishing industry. Once obscure publications like the
"Kiplinger Washington Letter" are now hocked coast-to-coast 24-hours-a-day
on cable television channels. This ad base has moved these publications
from the arcane to the mundane.
As always, success breeds imitation, and a record number of Insider
Newsletters have appeared during the past year. There has been, however,
a phenomenal lack in the Insider Satirical Newsletter sub-sector of
this growing market.
Insider Newsletters are attractive enterprises for a number of reasons,
according to industry analysts. Their informal layout, frequently
eschewing even the simplest of graphics, keeps production costs at a
minimum. Because graphics and layouts are not primary concerns, pre-
publication time is lessened, allowing for great topicality and
timeliness. Insiders report that low production costs and high
subscription rates equal enormous profits: "Just the kind of
thing an Insider would want."
US AND WORLD NEWS:
"FDA Approves Irradiation of Food as Preservative Technique:
USSR Stages Massive Demonstration for a Stunned Europe."
In yet another example of blatent theft of American Technology,
the Soviet Union has unveiled a massive program of irradiation of
foodstuffs within weeks of the approval of this method of food
preservation by the US FDA. Until the recent FDA action, radiation
has been used as a preservation technique, but this was largely
limited to specialty items, such as spices. Yet, even as the FDA
approved irradiation of fruits and vegetables to preserve their
appearance and nutrition, the Soviets were beginning large-scale
use of this Ultra-Modern technology.
The Soviet venture, in a demonstration of their confidence in
the technique, involved irradiation of not only milk, fruits, and
vegetables, but large numbers of livestock and human beings.
While reports remain fragmentary, it appears that some of the humans
involved in this pilot project may have gotten Too Much of a Good Thing.
In a not-unusual occurrence, the Soviets failed in the PR arena as
they unleashed this project. Residents of the area where the project
is headquartered are reported to be skeptical and fearful of the
government's intentions. Indeed, some have even suggested that
the Chernobyl Project may be an enormous mistake. Sooviet officials
brush this off as left-over bitterness in the Ukraine from Stalin's
agricultural reform policies of the 1930's when millions perished
during research on the results of exporting the total agricultural
output of a region utilizing a forced labor methodology. "Some people
just have a difficult time getting behind change," according to a
senior Agricultural Bureau official.
"The New York Times Lists REAL Polish Jokes"
Real Polish jokes (the kind they tell each other) were the subject
of a May 10th article in the New York Times. Here's a sampling:
Q: Why do Polish Police patrol in groups of three?
A: They need one that can read, one that can write, and one
to watch the two suspected intellectuals.
Q: What's the difference between the Polish Constitution and the
A: The Polish Constitution guarantees Freedom of Speech -- the U.S.
Constitution guarantees Freedom After Speech.
A customer in a store asks a clerk how much the piano in the front
window costs. "It's 55,000 zlotys, Mr. Lieutenant." "But, I am
in plain clothes -- how could you possibly know I am a police
officer?" the customer asks. The clerk replies, "Because you are
pointing to a stove."
A sleek, well-fed dog and a mangy cur meet in Warsaw's Old Town
Square. The sleek, well-fed dog announces that he has just come
from Prague, where, he adds, there is plenty to eat and drink.
The mangy dog asks in astonishment, "With all that, why have
you come here?" The Czech dog replies, "To bark."
R U B O U T T H E L A D Y
The most frightening words of the Summer of 1986 won't be from
"Poltergeist 2". Less than a month and a half away, these words will
shock and revolt millions of Americans.
Why? Because the on-going swarm of exploitation of America's True
First Lady will reach a climax in a "Hollywood Battle of Celebrity
Tastelessness" event "celebrating" the restoration of the premier
symbol of the nation's ideals. Prominent will be Barry Manilow and
the woman whose name has become the three most-feared words in
the minds of American Consumers: Mary Lou Retton.
Yes, Mary Lou Retton, Little Ms. "Energize Me!" Will she tumble, will
she bounce, will she do an interpretive acrobatice routine to honor The
Lady's Centennial? We can only fear the worst...
We formed RUB OUT THE LADY early in 1986 because we believe that
having weathered a century, the abuse and exploitation she's suffered
in the last two years is The Last Straw. A million bucks to use The
Lady in a beer ad, another million to hock the specials at 7-11.
What next? Dare we but note that the aforementioned Ms. Retton's
second-most-famous quotation is, "I don't usually talk about tampons..."
Need we spread further the rumors that have already in production Mary Lou
and Miss Liberty hocking Maxi-Pads?
We need your help. A century of weather, wear, and tear hasn't
done the damage these last twenty-four months of media hype have.
Send us your contribution and we'll take Her apart piece by piece and
safely store Her in a high-level nuclear waste dump.
We'll keep Her there a long time.
An awful long time.
Until there's no Barry Manilow. Until Mary Lou cashes her last Social
It's the only way The Lady can survive. We've got to RUB OUT THE
LADY, for her own good.
Can you help? Your contribution of $50, $100, or even $500 will
be vital to this effort. In appreciation of your help to RUB OUT The
Lady, we'll forward to you an Official Let's-Rub-Out-The-Lady Pencil
Eraser. Functional and stimulating conversation pieces, you can use
and admire your eraser knowing that you've helped to Destroy The Lady
in Order to Save Her. They'll also be natural conversation-starters,
so you can tell others of this Vital Cause. They're great, they're
functional -- AND they're Tax Deductible!
Send your donation today. LET'S RUB OUT THE LADY, P.O. Box 666,
Flushing, NY 10016. DON'T DELAY -- Mary Lou is on the way!!!
The Slime Continues:
"New High-Profile Projects to Aid the Needy Unveiled."
The poor, homeless, and hungry of the world -- by now virtually
dependent on the kindness of rock stars and celebrities for their
next meal -- have two new sources of aid.
At a Catskills news conference, Rodney Dangerfield, Jackie Vernon,
and Sheldon Leonard announced the formation of yet another Human Chain effort.
The so-called "Borscht Belt" comedians announced the attempt to link into
a human chain every has-been comic in America on July 4th in an effort
to provide aid for the homeless. The group, calling itself, "Hams Across
Upstate New York" claims a guarantee of success from a well-heeled audience
of older fans.
At the same time, New Right political luminaries, stung by criticisms
of cuts in government programs for the poor, have announced the formation
of a new umbrella organization. RICHER -- Republicans Individually
Contributing Help to Emergency Relief -- will raise no funds as an
organization and will not contribution to an established
relief program. Honorary Chair Nancy Reagan explained at a press
conference, "We care as much as anybody, but giving away money just isn't
The group will focus, instead, on creating tax incentives in Third World
countries for people who are adequately nourished. The First Lady explained,
"We're not in favor of hunger, we want to encourage people to eat well.
We'll tax the hell out of hunger."
"All Facts, No Fluff, You Bet!"
T h e S l u g F i l e
....Type Casting....The April 1986 issue of "Communications Briefings"
reports that Help Wanted ads in Japan are requesting applicants for jobs
based on blood type. This results from a theory that each blood type
carries with it a given set of innate personality characteristics. By
the way, Type O blood comes from "born achievers".....Government Gets
Between Bosom Buddies....Cable TV mogul Ted Turner has been friends with
Cuban leader Fidel Castro since 1982, when Castro invited Turner to Cuba to
interview him. According to a 5/21 article in The New York Times, Castro
is a big fan of Turner's CNN cable network. So big a fan that Castro even
filmed a promotional announcement explaining how much he enjoyed CNN. The
spots never aired on the cable network -- it seems that some sharpies in the
Marketing Department figured out that a Castro endorsement of CNN would
anger more Americans than it would impress. Castro must now be wringing his
hands with apprehension as CNN draws closer to its July 1 implementation of
scrambling the satellite feed of the cable network. Turner was going to
provide his friend Castro with his own personal descrambler as a gift,
but it turns out that U.S. law prohibits export of de-scrambling equipment.
(Editor's Note: Year after year people ask me if the articles in The Slug
File are real. They are, really. That's why I include citations.
TRUE, TRUE, TRUE, alright, already?)
SUBLIME SLIME is the insider newsletter of Slug Tales. It is published on
an irregular basis at the Rancho McHrab Satire Preserve. The On-Line Editions
of SUBLIME SLIME include highlights from our past ten years of publication,
along with a new issue approximately every two months.
You are free to copy this issue of SUBLIME SLIME and distribute it to
others, but if you alter it, strange stuff will grow between your
toes -- and grow, and grow, and grow....until you'll pray, "It's only
a Satire Newsletter, it's only a Satire Newsletter!!!"