S U B L I M E   S L I M E

        "Slug Tale's Inside Dope on Politics, Life, 'n Stuff"


Vol.7, #3    "When ideas fail, words come in very handy."   May 1986

                              - Goethe


Business Scoop:


   "Insider Newsletters: An Old Product With New Appeal!"


  The NNS Newservice reports that the once nearly cottage industry of

Insider Newsletters is emerging as one of the most dynamic sectors of

the publishing industry.  Once obscure publications like the

"Kiplinger Washington Letter" are now hocked coast-to-coast 24-hours-a-day

on cable television channels.  This ad base has moved these publications

from the arcane to the mundane. 


  As always, success breeds imitation, and a record number of Insider

Newsletters have appeared during the past year.  There has been, however,

a phenomenal lack in the Insider Satirical Newsletter sub-sector of

this growing market.


  Insider Newsletters are attractive enterprises for a number of reasons,

according to industry analysts.  Their informal layout, frequently

eschewing even the simplest of graphics, keeps production costs at a

minimum.  Because graphics and layouts are not primary concerns, pre-

publication time is lessened, allowing for great topicality and

timeliness.  Insiders report that low production costs and high

subscription rates equal enormous profits: "Just the kind of

thing an Insider would want."





    "FDA Approves Irradiation of Food as Preservative Technique:

         USSR Stages Massive Demonstration for a Stunned Europe."


  In yet another example of blatent theft of American Technology,

the Soviet Union has unveiled a massive program of irradiation of

foodstuffs within weeks of the approval of this method of food

preservation by the US FDA.  Until the recent FDA action, radiation

has been used as a preservation technique, but this was largely

limited to specialty items, such as spices.  Yet, even as the FDA

approved irradiation of fruits and vegetables to preserve their

appearance and nutrition, the Soviets were beginning large-scale

use of this Ultra-Modern technology.


  The Soviet venture, in a demonstration of their confidence in

the technique, involved irradiation of not only milk, fruits, and

vegetables, but large numbers of livestock and human beings. 

While reports remain fragmentary, it appears that some of the humans

involved in this pilot project may have gotten Too Much of a Good Thing.


  In a not-unusual occurrence, the Soviets failed in the PR arena as

they unleashed this project.  Residents of the area where the project

is headquartered are reported to be skeptical and fearful of the

government's intentions.  Indeed, some have even suggested that

the Chernobyl Project may be an enormous mistake.  Sooviet officials

brush this off as left-over bitterness in the Ukraine from Stalin's

agricultural reform policies of the 1930's when millions perished

during research on the results of exporting the total agricultural

output of a region utilizing a forced labor methodology.  "Some people

just have a difficult time getting behind change," according to a

senior Agricultural Bureau official.




         "The New York Times Lists REAL Polish Jokes"


   Real Polish jokes (the kind they tell each other) were the subject

of a May 10th article in the New York Times.  Here's a sampling:


   Q: Why do Polish Police patrol in groups of three?

   A: They need one that can read, one that can write, and one 

       to watch the two suspected intellectuals.


   Q: What's the difference between the Polish Constitution and the

      U.S. Constitution?

   A: The Polish Constitution guarantees Freedom of Speech -- the U.S.

      Constitution guarantees Freedom After Speech.


   A customer in a store asks a clerk how much the piano in the front

   window costs.  "It's 55,000 zlotys, Mr. Lieutenant."  "But, I am

   in plain clothes -- how could you possibly know I am a police         

   officer?" the customer asks.  The clerk replies, "Because you are

   pointing to a stove."


   A sleek, well-fed dog and a mangy cur meet in Warsaw's Old Town

   Square.  The sleek, well-fed dog announces that he has just come

   from Prague, where, he adds, there is plenty to eat and drink. 

   The mangy dog asks in astonishment, "With all that, why have

   you come here?"  The Czech dog replies, "To bark."  




     R U B   O U T   T H E   L A D Y


       "They're here!"


    The most frightening words of the Summer of 1986 won't be from

"Poltergeist 2".  Less than a month and a half away, these words will

shock and revolt millions of Americans.


    Why?  Because the on-going swarm of exploitation of America's True

First Lady will reach a climax in a "Hollywood Battle of Celebrity

Tastelessness" event "celebrating" the restoration of the premier

symbol of the nation's ideals.  Prominent will be Barry Manilow and

the woman whose name has become the three most-feared words in

the minds of American Consumers: Mary Lou Retton. 


Yes, Mary Lou Retton, Little Ms. "Energize Me!"  Will she tumble, will

she bounce, will she do an interpretive acrobatice routine to honor The

Lady's Centennial?  We can only fear the worst...


    We formed RUB OUT THE LADY early in 1986 because we believe that

having weathered a century, the abuse and exploitation she's suffered

in the last two years is The Last Straw.  A million bucks to use The

Lady in a beer ad, another million to hock the specials at 7-11. 


    What next?  Dare we but note that the aforementioned Ms. Retton's

second-most-famous quotation is, "I don't usually talk about tampons..." 

Need we spread further the rumors that have already in production Mary Lou

and Miss Liberty hocking Maxi-Pads?


    We need your help.  A century of weather, wear, and tear hasn't

done the damage these last twenty-four months of media hype have. 

Send us your contribution and we'll take Her apart piece by piece and

safely store Her in a high-level nuclear waste dump. 


We'll keep Her there a long time. 


An awful long time. 


Until there's no Barry Manilow.  Until Mary Lou cashes her last Social

Security check. 


It's the only way The Lady can survive.  We've got to RUB OUT THE

LADY, for her own good.


    Can you help?  Your contribution of $50, $100, or even $500 will

be vital to this effort.  In appreciation of your help to RUB OUT The

Lady, we'll forward to you an Official Let's-Rub-Out-The-Lady Pencil

Eraser.  Functional and stimulating conversation pieces, you can use

and admire your eraser knowing that you've helped to Destroy The Lady

in Order to Save Her.  They'll also be natural conversation-starters,

so you can tell others of this Vital Cause.  They're great, they're

functional -- AND they're Tax Deductible!


    Send your donation today.  LET'S RUB OUT THE LADY, P.O. Box 666,

Flushing, NY 10016.  DON'T DELAY -- Mary Lou is on the way!!!



The Slime Continues:

      "New High-Profile Projects to Aid the Needy Unveiled."


    The poor, homeless, and hungry of the world -- by now virtually

dependent on the kindness of rock stars and celebrities for their

next meal -- have two new sources of aid.

    At a Catskills news conference, Rodney Dangerfield, Jackie Vernon,

and Sheldon Leonard announced the formation of yet another Human Chain effort. 

The so-called "Borscht Belt" comedians announced the attempt to link into

a human chain every has-been comic in America on July 4th in an effort

to provide aid for the homeless.  The group, calling itself, "Hams Across

Upstate New York" claims a guarantee of success from a well-heeled audience

of older fans.


     At the same time, New Right political luminaries, stung by criticisms

of cuts in government programs for the poor, have announced the formation

of a new umbrella organization.  RICHER -- Republicans Individually

Contributing Help to Emergency Relief -- will raise no funds as an

organization and will not contribution to an established

relief program.  Honorary Chair Nancy Reagan explained at a press

conference, "We care as much as anybody, but giving away money just isn't

our style." 


The group will focus, instead, on creating tax incentives in Third World

countries for people who are adequately nourished.  The First Lady explained,

"We're not in favor of hunger, we want to encourage people to eat well. 

We'll tax the hell out of hunger."



"All Facts, No Fluff, You Bet!"

                 T h e   S l u g   F i l e


....Type Casting....The April 1986 issue of "Communications Briefings"

reports that Help Wanted ads in Japan are requesting applicants for jobs

based on blood type.  This results from a theory that each blood type

carries with it a given set of innate personality characteristics.  By

the way, Type O blood comes from "born achievers".....Government Gets

Between Bosom Buddies....Cable TV mogul Ted Turner has been friends with

Cuban leader Fidel Castro since 1982, when Castro invited Turner to Cuba to

interview him.  According to a 5/21 article in The New York Times, Castro

is a big fan of Turner's CNN cable network.  So big a fan that Castro even

filmed a promotional announcement explaining how much he enjoyed CNN.  The

spots never aired on the cable network -- it seems that some sharpies in the

Marketing Department figured out that a Castro endorsement of CNN would

anger more Americans than it would impress.  Castro must now be wringing his

hands with apprehension as CNN draws closer to its July 1 implementation of

scrambling the satellite feed of the cable network.  Turner was going to

provide his friend Castro with his own personal descrambler as a gift,

but it turns out that U.S. law prohibits export of de-scrambling equipment. 

(Editor's Note:  Year after year people ask me if the articles in The Slug

File are real.  They are, really.  That's why I include citations. 

TRUE, TRUE, TRUE, alright, already?)



SUBLIME SLIME is the insider newsletter of Slug Tales. It is published on

an irregular basis at the Rancho McHrab Satire Preserve.  The On-Line Editions

of SUBLIME SLIME include highlights from our past ten years of publication,

along with a new issue approximately every two months.


                         (c) 1988.


You are free to copy this issue of SUBLIME SLIME and distribute it to

others, but if you alter it, strange stuff will grow between your

toes -- and grow, and grow, and grow....until you'll pray, "It's only

a Satire Newsletter, it's only a Satire Newsletter!!!"